Six crazy things I have done as a parent

They say being a parent changes you. They say you become more understanding, more considerate, more willing to forgive others’ faults.

What they don’t say is how you can turn very easily into a weird, maniacal, freak who does crazy things that you’d never have seen yourself doing before parenthood hit you squarely between the eyes!

In random order, here are things I (and at times V) have done, after being anointed parents!

1. Ironed a thick, woollen blanket

Yes, I said it. And you read it. It was a particularly cold night and the three blankets on the bed just didn’t cut it for V. Nothing was warm enough for his darling daughter. So, he took out the iron and heated up that fourth blanket, till it was close to a furnace. Suffice to say, she didn’t disturb me that night.

But the ironing stopped after a week. No way was I going to do it night after night!

2. Perfected the ‘Sit-up-and-sleep’ pose

Gy was the nightly insomniac for the first year of her life. She would not sleep. She wouldn’t cry or nurse or yell or scream, but she wouldn’t sleep! And she didn’t like me sleeping either. All I had to do was lie down and magically, she would be on top of me, her hands on my face, her feet in my hair, until I literally could not stay supine much longer.

So, I did the next best thing. Started sleeping while sitting up. After a while, it gets easier and you start understanding that sleep is for wimps!

3. Ran the fifty-yard sprint in record time

Anyone who knows me, or even knows a tiny bit about me would tell you that I don’t run. I have nothing against it, mind you. I am perfectly content watching other people run and get those enviable, toned thighs and calves. But, I don’t run. Period.

All that changed when Gy started school. And then, it was running all the way. Everyday. All the time. Of course, most times, it was a casual, ambulatory jog. Other times, it was a brisk, fast-paced trot.

But, there are times I have sprinted. Yes, all *** pounds of my fleshy being have dashed across the grassy knolls of our apartment, covering the distance between the gate and the school bus. And, why? She would have forgotten an assignment at home. In the three hundred seconds between my rushing back to get it and racing to get it to her on the bus, you would think I’d have burnt all the fat in my thighs, but no such luck!

4. Used a hairdryer to clean shoes

Obviously, you have never had a kid who has stepped straight into dog poo. And had it stuck to the bottom of the shoe like super glue. And watched it go down the drain as you hosed it down using a hand-held shower!

So, drying out those canvas shoes in the hot afternoon sun should suffice, right? Wrong! What you get are squeaky clean, but extremely cold, moist shoes. And at, 6.45 am, with less than ten minutes on the clock and the bus stop calling your name, you ask Ingenuity to lend a helping hand. A quick blast with the setting at ‘So-hot-it- will-burn-you’, the hairdryer will give you those warm shoes you desire.

I will not be held responsible for frayed shoes, broken down due to heat

5. Sung into a karaoke machine

For somebody who has sung in public, this should be a cakewalk. Um… think again. I typically steer clear of karaoke machines, because my voice will almost invariably not match the pitch and frequency of the original singer. Singing into a machine like that, with about 500 strangers staring at you, wondering if you have your head screwed on right, is not something I would recommend.

But, I have done it. Why, you ask? Well, it was a move to encourage Gy to shed her inhibitions. At a public fair, one of the stalls had set up a machine for kids and asked passing children to step up and render their skills. I do wish most of them hadn’t. Being the doting mom, I wanted Gy to do it. She flatly refused, eyeing the whole set up with suspicion. All this at the age of 5 seems unwarranted, I say… then, V had a brainwave. He said I should sing and Gy would follow suit.

Has a child watched you unblinkingly, with expectation? You can’t refuse those puppy eyes, dang it all! And so, I sang. Thankfully, Gy followed suit. And my rendition stays a memory, buried deep in my subconscious.

6. Soaked up stuff with talcum powder

Any parent would understand that ‘stuff’ is a euphemism for any kind of ‘ accident’ that children are prone to, especially in the potty- training stage. Oh, I was clever. When Gy was growing up, we had only rexine furniture, which could be wiped down squeaky clean. Floors were easy to swab, in any case.

But, there was one important spot I had overlooked. Those soft, cushiony mattresses, capable of absorbing fluid at lightning speed. So, what did I do? I used talcum powder to blanket the area and cover the smell.

Don’t tell me you haven’t done it, because I know you’re lying!

Okay, granted that some of these things aren’t crazy, but they certainly qualify as weird. Don’t take my word for it; ask any mom who has spent eight hours of enforced insomnia or any dad who has played a pretend pony for seventeen hours straight!

I’m pretty sure there’s a handbook out there somewhere that tells us why we should think long and hard before we leap headlong into parenting. Remind me to go out and buy myself a copy and read it now in hindsight. In the bargain, maybe I should get five extra ones to distribute to unsuspecting newbie parents too!

This post was originally published on Diary of a doting mom